Parents usually worry that the decision to divorce could harm their children. They worry about their children suffering mental health consequences or struggling at school because of the divorce. Some people even remain in unhappy relationships solely out of concern for their children.
While there may be good intentions behind that decision, it may do more harm than parents realize. Children who witness unhealthy marital relationships between their parents may have a harder time developing healthy long-term relationships in the future. Parents can model advocating for themselves and clarify what their children should not tolerate in a marriage by filing for divorce when it is truly necessary.
It is possible to divorce gracefully and to intentionally minimize the impact that divorce may have on children. What steps can parents take to reduce how difficult the divorce might be for their children?
Maintain a united front
Children often feel anxious when they witness intense conflict between their parents. Parents who intend to divorce may need to set certain standards with one another so that they can maintain them consistently at both households. They may also want to sit down together to talk about the divorce with the children initially.
Settle matters without involving the children
There are two ways in which parents can put their children in the middle of a divorce or custody conflict. The first is by using the children as messengers. Forcing them to relay information about family matters can be stressful. The children may then blame themselves for future conflicts between their parents. Parents can also settle custody matters on their own so that children do not have to voice their preferences regarding their living arrangements. Doing so eliminates the need for the child to choose between their parents, which can be relatively traumatic.
Focus on the positive about a co-parent
Frequently, children hear their parents talking negatively about one another. One parent may openly disparage the other to the children in some cases. Other times, children may overhear one parent venting on the phone or while visiting with friends. Prioritizing positive communication regarding a co-parent can be helpful when sharing custody. Ensuring privacy when talking about co-parenting frustrations can also prevent negative talk from affecting a child’s self-image and feelings about their family relationships.
With the right approach to shared custody, parents can limit how difficult the divorce becomes for their children. Protecting children from conflict and keeping things as stable as possible are usually important choices for parents who divorce.
